Sunday, March 11, 2018

Catty Micro-Reviews, New Edition

I can't claim to have invented the mini-review, in fact as classical record reviews seem to be shrinking more and more, pretty soon everyone will be doing them. With horror, I realized the other day that I haven't done a set of catty micro-reviews for years and years. So here goes. My methodology is simple. I just go to YouTube, type in a single letter of the alphabet and listen to the first pop song that comes up. Then I try to deliver a one or two sentence review. Let's start with "A."

First up, believe it or not is "Adventure of a Lifetime" from Coldplay with an astonishing 721,780,550 views:

The opening of Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey redone in CGI with a tedious pop-rock back-beat. Kubrick's original soundtrack featured music by Johann Strauss, Richard Strauss and Gy├Ârgi Ligeti.

Agh, this isn't my day! The first thing that comes up with "B" is "Bodak Yellow" by Cardi B and Blogger doesn't want to embed the original video. Just follow the link.

It is a rare accomplishment for a music video to be aesthetically unpleasant in all these dimensions: music, lyrics, fashion, and culturally, but this one manages. How over 490 million people managed to watch this without resulting nausea is a mystery to me.

Typing in "C" brings up a tune by Mexican rapper C-Kan, "Un Par de Balas" which means "A Couple of Bullets."

As rap goes, this is fairly tolerable. I wonder, is it sort of illegal for anyone in this sub-culture to actually not, you know, have any tattoos?

"D" brings up a tune by Ludacris, well known for his recurring role in several Fast and Furious films. Everything in the video is turned into a weird cartoon with more CGI. You know, I think this is how the elite of music these days distinguish themselves from the low-rent artists: CGI budget. A couple of guys in a garage just can't compete, which is the whole idea. Mind you, they certainly could musically, as this music is about as tediously formulaic as possible. Again, follow the link.

"E" brings up a song by Matt Mason, a country singer with a mere 4 million views.

This video is so low-budget that they use default captions from iMovie! Apart from that it is pretty much a standard country song: unfaithful wife, car (or rather truck) chase, use of shotgun, steel guitar solo. Kind of like Johnny Cash or Bob Dylan around the time of Nashville Skyline, with about 70% of the inspiration removed.

After all that, we really need a palate cleanser, don't we? Here is "Lay, Lady Lay" from the aforementioned Nashville Skyline:

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